Today is not my day. I knew it the second I woke up this morning. I don't know what is wrong with me; nothing seems to be going right. I figured I'd get the venting out of the way before I tackled any more of the mounds of schoolwork that I have yet to do:
I've never felt more insecure and self conscious in my entire life than I do right now. I feel overweight (I know, I know, I'm not), and I don't have the motivation I used to, for anything, anymore. I have thinspo all over my room and car with pictures of models that I want to look like, and strive to look like. This is not me. This is not what I do. Has the urge to conform with the beautiful people of the population devoured me whole? Have I fallen that deep into the trends and looks of the people who look like they've been starving in Africa for sixteen years? Apparently. Diet starts tomorrow.
As if worrying about my weight and schoolwork is enough, I also feel that my looks are slowly becoming more and more bland - borderline hideous. Maybe it's because my skin is awful, maybe it's because I'm not tan. Either way, I'm nowhere near as confident as I once used to be (and I was never that confident before - so you can imagine). I feel like I have to impress people up here, and look my best - but quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'm too emotionally drained and worn out to even try and lift a finger to put on an ounce of makeup. It's inner beauty that counts, right (excuse me while I hide the fact that I don't believe that for one second)?
The only things that keep me going:
- best friend
- Mae / The Narrative
- The hope for a fantastic summer
