Incomplete Thoughts.

It has been brought to my attention a couple of days ago that I'm not having random mood swings. I am depressed. This has never happened to me before, and I kind of saw it coming, but I was in denial. It was with the help of my best friend that made me realize it.

Why? Now, that's a question that I'm still trying to find the answer for. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. Maybe it's because I'm dying to go back to school. Maybe it's because my life has become routine. Maybe it's all of these combined, plus a little more.

I feel like one of the only people that can make me smile is lightyears away. It's because he is. Who would have thought someone that I met over a year ago and only hung out with once or twice can be all that's on my mind. All the time. I look forward to talking to him every day. He's exactly like me in every single way...

Forget it, I'm not even going to try and blog right now. I'll finish later when my mind isn't completely scattered.

If I can't be beautiful, I want to be invisible.

"You're gorgeous."

This. Is what I hear all the time. This, I do not believe.

I am far. Far. Far. Far, from gorgeous.

Chuck Palahniuk couldn't have said it better when he wrote: "The difference between how you look and how you see yourself is enough to kill most people."

I know, I said I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I lied.

I tried to convince myself that I was, because, quite frankly, I know that the people around me are sick of hearing me complain.

Hell, I'm sick of hearing me complain.

I don't see what everybody else sees. I don't think what other people think. I look in the mirror and want to vomit. I bet you that I could look at my reflection and point out 20 things wrong with just my face.

You think I'm kidding.

I have self-diagnosed myself with Body Dysmorphic Disorder:
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines body dysmorphic disorder as a somatoform disorder marked by a preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance which causes clinically-significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

So, for people who think that I'm saying the things that I do, or acting the way I do, just to get attention:

Please, think again.

The rain was once a cloud.

So, I haven't blogged in a while, and to be honest - the last few weeks were when I needed to the most. From the second I got home from school, I sunk down into one of the deepest lows that I have ever experienced in my life. I wasn't myself, and everybody noticed. I fought with everyone, and I pushed a lot of people away. I embarassed myself a dozen times, and I just was not happy. Maybe it was because I hyped up summer break, so much, when I was at school, and, sitting here typing this in July, I'm realizing that it hasn't been the "summer of a lifetime" that I thought so hard it was going to be. Yes, there have been some fun times, but I have been so caught up on the whole "this summer could be way better" vibe, I haven't had time to sit back and enjoy it.


Earlier this week, I got a phone call. It was just an ordinary phone call from a good friend of mine, telling me some good news that she received. It was that phone call that brought me back up. I'm now myself again, and I love it. I'm walking around with a smile on my face, my head held high, and my chin up (as everyone should). However, as if the world has a sick plan to bring me back down - nothing is going right. As soon as I got out of the mood, everyone around me started to fall into one. Now, instead of focusing my energy on trying to get back up to where I was, I have to be there for my friends (and family) and make sure they're okay. If I don't do this, I will sink right back down with them. This summer, I've been slacking on my whole principle of helping others and putting them before me because I've been so down lately. Now that I'm feeling much better, it's going into full force. I feel that everybody deserves to be the happiest they can be, and I want them to be able to look back on this in the future and come to me so I can help. I love to help. I love people. I love when they're happy.


I'm slowly starting to become more comfortable in my own skin. I never thought I would type those words and mean them. I'm learning that the people who are in my life, love me for me, and not the way I look. I'll never be 100% satisfied, hell, I'll never even be 50% satisfied, but I'm making a little bit of progress. I guess that's all that counts.

Try not to panic.

Here goes my rant. Not really a rant, just things swimming around my head that I need to get out before going crazy. Enjoy: (PS - before getting angry, think of my perspective. thanks)

I've been home for summer break since Thursday, and ever since then, I've been thinking too much for my own good. I have high hopes for this summer. I want to go to a bunch of different places, and I want to make a crap ton of new friends. I think it'll happen, but I don't want to wait for it. I don't want to be in a relationship at this point in time; it scares me. I'm starting to get older, I'm graduating from college in two years. I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't want one. Isn't college where you're supposed to find the person you're going to marry? Ek. Don't like that word. Still. I haven't found anyone even remotely close to what I'm supposed to be looking for. It's just been a successful string of failures my entire life. I'm starting to lose hope.

There has been a couple of things bothering me, but I'm a little hesitant to write it out because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just feel that it needs to be said. Whatever, it's not like the person (people) I'm talking about even read this. I feel like first impressions are the ones that matter most. If that's the case, why are people so mean when I first meet them? Granted, you may genuinely be a fantastic person, but you're not acting like it. I just don't understand how people can come off so rude and inconsiderate to people they've never met before. I try to be myself to whoever I meet. This has started to become a problem, too, I guess. My best friend says I'm a boy-crazy flirt. The boy crazy part, is right. I like the male species, I like the way the look, talk, dress, smell - what girl my age doesn't? Anyway, the flirt part kinda gets under my skin. I'm a nice girl. It's who I am. I will not bitch you out, and I will not yell at you (unless you're asking for it). I like to make sure everybody I come in contact with leaves with a smile on their face. Is that a bad thing? Apparently, it is. I know, I've had my share of mistakes in the past, but I'm not sleeping with everybody like some girls I know. I'm just a girl who likes to talk, who likes to help people, and who likes to make friends. I turn guys down in a nice way, but it's still considered flirting? I don't get it. I'm probably going to get hell for this, but quite frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm a nice girl. I send smiles a lot. I do the same thing with girls that I do with guys. I just don't get how sending a smile through one lousy text message is leading someone on.

I don't know, I'm ranting, and I felt like letting everyone know why I've been so quiet and distant lately, I guess. Sometimes, I just don't feel appreciated. I know, I have people who thank me up and down for helping them go through rough times, but that's not what I'm talking about. I just feel that, lately, just the simplest remarks can tear my heart in two. I'm emotionally unstable right now, and I honestly think I hide it very well. It's not going to change anytime soon, just thought I'd throw it out there.

Well, I'm posting, and hoping I don't get an angry text or remark within the next 24 hours. I won't be able to handle it, and may very well break-down.

Haven't really had the time to write much latetly...

Someday....

I built the walls that you can't break. I'm exceptionally well at pushing good things away. I have big dreams and I have the ambition to make sure they come true. I've struggled and I've suffered, and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to win. I've made plenty of mistakes, but without regrets. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I never forget to remember that everything will be okay, someday.

My Dream Bayside Set-list :)

You have no idea how hard this was to create - (in no particular order):

Existing in A Crisis (Evelyn)

They’re Not Horses, They’re Unicorns

What and What Not

Just Enough to Love You

A Call to Arms

Guardrail

Popular Science

Have Fun Storming the Castle

The Walking Wounded

Poison In My Veins

If You’re Bored

They Looked Like Strong Hands (acoustic)

Choice Hops and Bottled Self Esteem

Hello Shitty

Tortures of the Damned

Blame it on Bad Luck

Masterpiece

I And I

Answers We’ll Never Get

We’ll Be O.K